Protected: is 7:05 too early for a coors?

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make it smell pretty.hippy.

my line of work has a lot to do with scent. naturally,  i like smell goody things. what i dont like, is glade crap and all of those fragrance oil mass marketed products that are available on every store shelf across the country. i swear they come out with something new every week. oil diffusers, auto-spray canisters, plug ins, little weird lamp thingies that supposedly make it smell pretty. i say, fumigate. i admit, ive been lured into the marketing from time to time and purchased them for my home too. then realized, i was abusing my inhaler because my asthma was triggered by “something”.  over the years i have come to the realization that no matter how many times i try, or no matter how much these companies claim to use ” essential oils” … i simply cannot breathe them. i suffer.

so … ive come up with a way to make my house smell nice, without the use of such products. due to my line of work, at my disposal is an arsenal of real, pure, top notch essential oils. in my home, ive got this little nifty floor steamer, because there isnt a stitch of carpet in my house, again.. to try to eliminate allergy and asthma dust collectors. so i use the steamer on the flooring all over the house.

sadly, even floor cleaners bother me, so ive been using just plain water steam in my floor steamer for a while now. then it hit me – hey wait a minute. i can remove, wash, and replace these fabric coverings that go on my floor cleaner. right… so why cant i just put essential oils on the top of the pad, and as im steaming the floors, i can diffuse pure essential oils all throughout my home. bingo. works like a charm. no, works better than a charm, wait, what charms… do charms even work?  – well, this works. it works great. period.

anywho – just thought id share this little discovery in case there are others out there like me, that simply cannot be, or do not wish to be exposed to the nasty mass marketed fragrance oil products out there.

thats all for now. off to make my house smell like a hippy hangout. patchouli-lavender today!

-until next.


ive got a bone to pick with wordpress.

i started this account a week ago, after my first blog post – it popped up with this sidebar thingie that said ” only 4 more posts to go” with a measuring type line, and a big star at the end. ooooooh says me, what happens when you get to the star? of course,  im all stoked to get to the star. who wouldnt be? what happens?? does the blog come to life and start reading my thoughts and typing them for me? i mean, what happens?? TELL ME.

so.. i blog, and blog, knowing im getting closer and closer to that star. tonight, i posted blog no.5. you know what happened? NOTHING. ” youve reached your goal” WHAT .. i didnt set the goal, YOU DID, WORDPRESS.  you set me up and let me down. imagine that. pfft. it was like getting that piece of bazooka bubble gum that didnt have the comic!  yes i still buy bazooka, and yes, they still somehow, after all of these years… havent figured out packaging perfection as i STILL sometimes get the comic-less wrapper.

so, wordpress, i am picking a bone with you. i mean, crap – why not give us a free new background choice.. one that you would normally pay for, even if its a crappy one you know  no one is really gonna actually use anyways, so you arent going to lose any cash. i mean, seriously, howbout a free font. howbout a cookie! an emoticon cookie that we can stick on our happy little blog post NUMBER FIVE because we reached YOUR goal. hmmmpf. grr.

hey,  you know what… while im in the graveyard picking bones.. let me have one of subways!

how on earth are they only charging 5 bucks for a sub when they are putting 30$ worth of mayo on the dang things. i mean, seriously, i get that you save money by putting paper thin veggies on it… but do you  still sleep at night knowing your mayo is half the reason kids are having cholesterol issues at age NINE? howbout making those cucumber slices at least thick enough for me to need to use my teeth to eat it…. and only use .50 worth of mayo. now theres a crazy idea.

hey, this is kinda fun. im just having a bitch fest. let me keep going.


i think grocery stores should have motorized cart “centers” where you have to prove your medical condition in order to need to use one. lol. ok, that may be a little extreme but FFS! why not? theyve taken away jobs by removing “baggers” from the checkout lines, by now making the lines even slower because the poor cashiers have to actually do the bagging as well. so lets get back to creating some jobs here… and give the has been bagger boys, cart control jobs!  and these cart control boys are in charge of deeming who actually needs a cart and who doesnt. lol… im sorry but, the couple i saw on a grocery store date riding around in motorized carts acting like asses certainly didnt belong on them. perhaps the go-kart track was closed, but you know what… go see a movie or wait for your little romantic motorized date until that track opens back up. oh wait.. but the grocery go-karts are free. cheap-skate.

heres one. heres one that drives me effing batty.

dudes, im sorry but you are just NOT hot when you scream out the car window at women.

i mean, wtf are we supposed to do, lets say – in some CRAZY moment, we think WOW – hes cute! – should we try to scream out our number as you scream out some horrible sound at us in that 1.2 seconds it takes you to turn the corner?? oh wait.. let me get my window down real quick and yell back. threee-threeeeeeeee———- shit.. hes gone. he wanted me, how will i ever find him again. destiny – you suck. now i have to go home and realize the man of my dreams is gone because he turned the corner too quickly, as he was clearly expressing his love for me. shit. well, there goes that. i mean honestly, do you think we like being startled by some awful noise that comes out of your mouth? certainly by your years of practicing this ritual, you know by now us girls that MAY be even remotely attracted to your gaping mouth have no chance at ever getting our digits to you as you wiz past us… so whats the point? to freak the ever living crap out of us? or do you really.. really.. in that moment think WOW – shes gonna be so excited. im gonna make this girls day. ……………. yeah, sure you will buddy, by making us need to go home for a change of clothing because we just shit our pants.


hmm… im discovering that murphys stout and blogging makes for an interesting conversation in my head. lol… oh for shame.

rant. lets rant.

while im on the topic of men ….

if you think im cute and wanna talk to me, please do so. dont follow me around and pop out of every isle in the store you know im going into in hopes of crashing into my buggy and needing to apologize. you …………might………..appear………creepy. yep… ever think of that?? ever think that girls might get scared of someone twice her size suddenly appearing in ever isle shes in… especially if its in the “feminine product” isle. you probably didnt even realize thats where i was purposely leading you to, just to see if you were following me huh. ha. im clever like that. mhm. so guys, DONT FOLLOW GIRLS IN STORES. howbout walking up to her the minute you see her and just flat out telling her you think shes attractive and would like to know if shes seeing someone currently, and if not.. take a chance and ask her out. she might even say sure..  and  you know what? since you arent rolling past her at 25 mph, she may even be able to give you her number. weird!!

ok, rant over, and just fyi, i dealt with each one of these things. today.

oh wait.. one more .. i had to come back to “edit” the post. … i thought the wordpress star crap was over.. until i posted number 6. now its telling me my next goal.. is to post TEN. well guess what wordpress, im not nearly as excited to get to ten as i was to get to five. you really should think about giving cookie icons. really.

-over. it.



it wish it was sunday so i didnt have to work. not because its my b-day and i want the day off, that was only cool when i was in my 20s. but i just need a day off.  ever have one of those moments… when, the smallest, dumbest thing…. triggers this giant light to go on in your head? that happened to me last night. i guess i need time to process the thoughts from it, come to terms with my realization, and begin moving on.

todays conversations only served to further my realization.

heck, maybe its turning 37 that i can blame for starting all the thoughts… im not really sure. but wow – going over my life. dont get me wrong, i am blessed and have a great life. i am grateful for everything ive done, everything ive got, everything i am. but man, sometimes its hard to not see certain things and just kinda go… wow. what the ?

turning 37 … is hmm.. real close to 40. real close to 40 to me means real close to 50, which to me says – holy crap you need a life insurance policy, howbout a savings account? how about a plan for the next few years even. then there is the aloof, whimsy side of me that says bah – whats the sense of planning when i could be smacked by a bus or eaten by a pack of wild dogs tomorrow. … but………. what……..if………there…….are………….dogs. what if the bus never comes? i cant keep living my life ” in the moment” … i cant keep living my life as if today is the last. planning matters. stability matters. rainy days – happen.

i think its one of the qualities i like most about myself. myheart. my die hard genuine – true to myself more than anything else heart. but i think its also one of the qualities i hate most about me. i dont think it lets me be very careful.  but how does one change their heart? i mean, how do you change the way you seem to instinctively react, feel, think? is it even possible? it took me 37 years to become who i am today. is it going to take me 37 to change my instant responses to things? and again.. is it even possible?

example: i remember not long ago, leaving a friends house .. simply because i was ready to leave. …. i hop in the truck and im on  my way home when i look at the clock. realizing his birthday was in just 19 minutes. i thought wow, im a crap friend. who leaves their friend 19 minutes before their birthday begins? i wasnt even thinking of it, yanno?  but when i realized it …  i thought, hey, turn the truck around and go back and give him a hug. how shitty to spend your b-day minute alone, especially after a good friend just left. …. then i thought bah… keep going, dont be so obnoxious heidi.  its just a bday, hes a good friend and im sure he doesnt care that you left right before his bday starts, hes a big boy…he can handle a stroke of midnight on his bday alone. …… this internal battle was flashing through my mind. and one of them lost …. what did i do? i turned the truck around, realizing the time i had left on the clock was right in time with me to be pulling in the driveway right at 12:00. and i did. and i hugged him, wished him a happy b-day, and left.

im using this example because its b-day related and that seems to be the theme today.

anywho. ….my point,  could i have changed who won the battle?  what made me turn the truck around? my gut? my mind, my heart. splain this to me. what is the “heart” even. i mean, isnt the heart actually the mind? lets face it, our actual heart isnt capable of thought. and clearly it was a thought battle that i was having, which made me turn the truck around, and make sure he knew i cared enough to hug him at midnight on his bday. even knowing, to him it wouldnt mean near as much as it would to me. weird. youd think the other battler would have won the battle. telling myself, he isnt going to see this like you would. he isnt going to care, its not going to mean something to him like it would if a friend did something like that for you. so why did i insist on turning around to deliver a hug. ……. i dont get it.

so, my realization last night was this.

all of my life, ive done things as i would do them. ive lived my life true to me. i give. and give. and put myself out of my way in order to do so. not to show anyone else anything. but to be true to me. and at midnight last night, no one was knocking at my door. my phone was silent. i was laying in bed scared to go to sleep because i had some crazy hive breakout all over both of my forearms, abdomen, neck, well – pretty much everywhere. not sure if it was from something i had eaten, the tylenol i had taken, or some random particle of something i had come into contact with. shit for all i knew i may have breathed it. lol ….  so there i was, scared, alone, at midnight, tired as all get out – and forcing myself to stay awake because i wasnt sure if i needed an ER or not. – this, being personally traumatic for me, as i have been in anaphylactic shock before, and nearly didnt live to see the next day because of it.

hang on – this is only half of the light bulb.

so im laying there, thinking well – if you die tonight – did your careless heart get you anywhere heid. did your whimsy- might-die -tomorrow ways, really prepare you for this?  no. it didnt. id have left a disaster behind if i didnt get through the night. an absolute nightmare for the people in my life. nothing for my daughter but a business shes unable to run at 13, no life insurance, no will, no nothing. and worse, my careless heart – is actually so ridiculously protected – it may as well be the fricking hope diamond!

why am i alone,  in bed,scared, unable to sleep ,  turning 37, with a silent phone and empty porch? – ill tell you why.  because that stupid internal battle…. that stupid internal battle keeps me alone.

a male customer of mine came in the shop yesterday  – when he left i turned to my mom and said ” id marry him, i wish i could find a guy like that because thats who id marry”. then i breathe a sigh of relief because i know he is already married. ….. i can only say id marry him, because i know hes taken. if he was single, id have never spit out the words. why? because opportunity to date him would be there – and that means opportunity to be in a relationship, which means opportunity to be burned, left alone, widowed, etc..  . but if i wasnt so scared, if i actually DID live in the moment – wouldnt i take the chances left and right, at the possibilities of any of those things – to be true to my heart because deep down, id have rather not been laying alone, scared, on my bday in silence? deep down, id much rather have someone to share life with. to live even one good day with, even if the pack of wild dogs did exist and eat me the next morning? id have had that good day, the day before.

but i dont. i dont take the chances.

i think throughout most of my adult life, i go for the guys i know i cant ever have.  because im safe that way. my longest relationship was with a married man from england, we dated for 4 years steady, and then for 3 more we “talked”. ha. ha. HAAAAAAAAAAAA. he was never leaving england. wow, wait – that sounds bad. ok, he was married when i met him. 3 months after us meeting.. they split, but he never , and she never , went through with a divorce. so legally, on paper, i could never marry him and get him here. which meant – oh hey, look at that – we are 4000 miles away arent we. and for the 3 years we werent together, i refused to date anyone else because i kept saying i was still talking to england guy. ha.. just one more way to keep myself alone, safe. ….. another long relationship i had was with a guy in the military – lol guess why he finally ditched me? because i wasnt willing to marry him and move all over the world from base to base with him, i refused to marry him until he left the military. my excuse was, thats not a good life to raise kids in —  but in all reality, i probably knew he wasnt leaving the military – which meant, i got to stay in the not getting married to you safety zone. right.  there – those 2 examples should be enough to give you the gist of what i mean by going for the guys i know i can never have. lol

i mean, ffs, i joke and call my truck my husband. ….how pathetic am i?

betcha youre dying to know whats going on regarding my heart now, lol. ha. right. betcha im not telling 😉

i will say this though. im having a re:birth-day. and next year, i dont think ill be laying in bed alone, scared, at the stroke of midnight on my b-day. i think its time to let go a little. enjoy a little. not protect so much. not panic so much. and maybe —– just maybe — let the other battler win the battle.

i can leap in business, i can leap onto a gnarly trail in my truck, i can leap into darkness, i can leap all over the fricking place, except love. ive made it through everything else – the net always appears. whats so hard about leaping with my “heart”.


well.. im off to celebrate my b-day. who knows, maybe ill start the leap this evening.


i have a surprise for my girl today. yep.

her school sent out fliers last week, for the kids to be able to purchase carnations for their friends for thursday “friendship day” … however, the school privately emailed the parents, letting us know we could also purchase carnations for the kids, without them knowing.  So i went into the school with my daughter on tuesday, pretending i had a paper to sign, but was really purchasing flowers to be delivered to her today.

i bought 13. 1 for each year she has been in my life, and on the note attached, i thanked her for the best 13 years of my life. i can only hope she knows daily, how much she means to me. i wish i was able to see her cute lil face when she receives them. if i know her like i think i do, she will get a giant but shy smile, be a little embarrassed, then proud to know she means so much. if i know her like i know her, she will come home with less than 13 carnations – depending on how many kids didnt receive any. and that would be fine with me. she would be the kid in school, to give even her last flower away, to make sure the others had some. mhm. i cant imagine where she would get that trait 😉

if it isnt obvious already, clearly, i love my daughter. pretty as pretty gets. witty as witty comes. sarcastic as all get out. sharp as a tack and wise far beyond her years, heck, shes wise beyond mine. this kid is like no other kid you will ever meet. people always tell me its a credit to my parenting….. i say no.. well, maybe somewhat, but she was born with that soul of hers, she is who she is.

shes writing a book, at 13, better than i could write at 37, better than i could write at 55, better than i could ever write. period. she takes photos that stun me. she supports her peers, she guides those younger than herself, she relates to those older than her. shes so amazing. tolerant and patient. wise and careful. smart and sensible. i look at her sometimes and wonder, was i like that at 13, and i know i wasnt. i know it. there is just something so special about her. oh and shes so darn funny. i wish you could know her like i know her. theres nothing on earth as amazing as being her mom.

right, this isnt fiction – sure there are times i throw a little tantrum and tell her to put the ipod down because i am her mother and i will know whats going on in her life and she will talk to me NOW. ha. i wouldnt consider our lives typical or “normal”. i mean.. mom owns a business and is often a scattered mess, extremely tired, or tied up with something related to it. its not unheard of for us to eat pears and berries for dinner. lol she is very understanding, thats for sure. forgiving, and understanding. without doubt. but one thing i am sure she knows –  she knows i am there for her. i know she knows i am always her biggest fan, her rock, her safe place, her friend, her mom.

anywho – im turning 37 on saturday. i remember when i had her — thinking wow, im so young, but im glad im young – so i can hopefully have more years on the planet with the life that i brought into it with me. i still feel that way. i thought a photo to suit the blog would be one from the day she came into the world. minutes old. doesnt matter how old she gets though, i still get tears when i think about her, how much i love her. shes simply incredible.



what exactly is sick as a dog?

where did the phrase come from? i mean.. humans cant even catch dog colds, so what the heck. dogs dont even get sick near as often as humans.” dog tired” i can understand, sometimes i mistake my dogs for furniture that breathes. …. but sick as a dog?   the saying is kinda stupid to me.  you know what other one gets me? sleeping like a baby. WHAT? what kinda babies did you have? cause mine certainly didnt sleep well at all. in fact i dont think she slept any longer than 20 minutes straight for the first year of her life.

im sick as a school kid. now that sounds more like it. remember that kid that you always somehow wound up being fortunate enough to get seated next to in grade school? the one that puked some random puke out of nowhere at least once a week ? and somehow, he managed to make them like little secret vomit bombs? no one but you knew he did it.. and the only reason anyone else knew he did it because they heard you gagging at the aftermath. im not trying to be gross, but really.. who didnt have one of those years in school.  when the only reason you dreaded friday was because you know little danny hasnt puked yet this week and oh shit, its friday and danny hasnt puked…… today is the day. all day long youre looking over… you know its bound to happen soon. out of the corner of your eye you see him sitting real still… you know its coming, then bam. secret silent puke bomb on the desk. he doesnt even try to make it to the sink anymore. i suppose to his credit, cleaning up a trail of vomit is surely worse than a pile. at least its all in one place.

after a quick search.. it appears the term sick as a dog dates back as far as 1705. apparently to the brits, being “sick” means vomit. where as feeling “ill” would be the common cold. i remember my ex saying poorly – feeling poorly, although he did say sick from time to time — i wonder if i came across as insensitive, not realizing he meant he was puking. well, regardless.. im going to start saying sick as a school kid. cause my dogs dont get sick… and danny is burned into my memory, as… sick.

ahh.. post no.3. my favorite number. im not sure why it is, it just is. at that, i am hoping to get at least 3 hours of non-broken sleep tonight. we shall see. i always have great intentions of getting to sleep before 11 and waking up at 6, instead what seems to happen is i dont sleep all night long, i crash at 8pm, wake up at 11, go back to bed around 2, up again at 4, back until 5:30 , up until 6:30, back until 7:20. and my day begins. i dont know what the heck is wrong with my sleep but its definitely a mess. supposedly there is a very tiny gland which regulates your sleep habits. ………. i think my gland has A.D.H.D.?

well, thats it for me tonight. heres to no.3