no.5

re:birth-day.

it wish it was sunday so i didnt have to work. not because its my b-day and i want the day off, that was only cool when i was in my 20s. but i just need a day off.  ever have one of those moments… when, the smallest, dumbest thing…. triggers this giant light to go on in your head? that happened to me last night. i guess i need time to process the thoughts from it, come to terms with my realization, and begin moving on.

todays conversations only served to further my realization.

heck, maybe its turning 37 that i can blame for starting all the thoughts… im not really sure. but wow – going over my life. dont get me wrong, i am blessed and have a great life. i am grateful for everything ive done, everything ive got, everything i am. but man, sometimes its hard to not see certain things and just kinda go… wow. what the ?

turning 37 … is hmm.. real close to 40. real close to 40 to me means real close to 50, which to me says – holy crap you need a life insurance policy, howbout a savings account? how about a plan for the next few years even. then there is the aloof, whimsy side of me that says bah – whats the sense of planning when i could be smacked by a bus or eaten by a pack of wild dogs tomorrow. … but………. what……..if………there…….are……..no…….dogs. what if the bus never comes? i cant keep living my life ” in the moment” … i cant keep living my life as if today is the last. planning matters. stability matters. rainy days – happen.

i think its one of the qualities i like most about myself. myheart. my die hard genuine – true to myself more than anything else heart. but i think its also one of the qualities i hate most about me. i dont think it lets me be very careful.  but how does one change their heart? i mean, how do you change the way you seem to instinctively react, feel, think? is it even possible? it took me 37 years to become who i am today. is it going to take me 37 to change my instant responses to things? and again.. is it even possible?

example: i remember not long ago, leaving a friends house .. simply because i was ready to leave. …. i hop in the truck and im on  my way home when i look at the clock. realizing his birthday was in just 19 minutes. i thought wow, im a crap friend. who leaves their friend 19 minutes before their birthday begins? i wasnt even thinking of it, yanno?  but when i realized it …  i thought, hey, turn the truck around and go back and give him a hug. how shitty to spend your b-day minute alone, especially after a good friend just left. …. then i thought bah… keep going, dont be so obnoxious heidi.  its just a bday, hes a good friend and im sure he doesnt care that you left right before his bday starts, hes a big boy…he can handle a stroke of midnight on his bday alone. …… this internal battle was flashing through my mind. and one of them lost …. what did i do? i turned the truck around, realizing the time i had left on the clock was right in time with me to be pulling in the driveway right at 12:00. and i did. and i hugged him, wished him a happy b-day, and left.

im using this example because its b-day related and that seems to be the theme today.

anywho. ….my point,  could i have changed who won the battle?  what made me turn the truck around? my gut? my mind, my heart. splain this to me. what is the “heart” even. i mean, isnt the heart actually the mind? lets face it, our actual heart isnt capable of thought. and clearly it was a thought battle that i was having, which made me turn the truck around, and make sure he knew i cared enough to hug him at midnight on his bday. even knowing, to him it wouldnt mean near as much as it would to me. weird. youd think the other battler would have won the battle. telling myself, he isnt going to see this like you would. he isnt going to care, its not going to mean something to him like it would if a friend did something like that for you. so why did i insist on turning around to deliver a hug. ……. i dont get it.

so, my realization last night was this.

all of my life, ive done things as i would do them. ive lived my life true to me. i give. and give. and put myself out of my way in order to do so. not to show anyone else anything. but to be true to me. and at midnight last night, no one was knocking at my door. my phone was silent. i was laying in bed scared to go to sleep because i had some crazy hive breakout all over both of my forearms, abdomen, neck, well – pretty much everywhere. not sure if it was from something i had eaten, the tylenol i had taken, or some random particle of something i had come into contact with. shit for all i knew i may have breathed it. lol ….  so there i was, scared, alone, at midnight, tired as all get out – and forcing myself to stay awake because i wasnt sure if i needed an ER or not. – this, being personally traumatic for me, as i have been in anaphylactic shock before, and nearly didnt live to see the next day because of it.

hang on – this is only half of the light bulb.

so im laying there, thinking well – if you die tonight – did your careless heart get you anywhere heid. did your whimsy- might-die -tomorrow ways, really prepare you for this?  no. it didnt. id have left a disaster behind if i didnt get through the night. an absolute nightmare for the people in my life. nothing for my daughter but a business shes unable to run at 13, no life insurance, no will, no nothing. and worse, my careless heart – is actually so ridiculously protected – it may as well be the fricking hope diamond!

why am i alone,  in bed,scared, unable to sleep ,  turning 37, with a silent phone and empty porch? – ill tell you why.  because that stupid internal battle…. that stupid internal battle keeps me alone.

a male customer of mine came in the shop yesterday  - when he left i turned to my mom and said ” id marry him, i wish i could find a guy like that because thats who id marry”. then i breathe a sigh of relief because i know he is already married. ….. i can only say id marry him, because i know hes taken. if he was single, id have never spit out the words. why? because opportunity to date him would be there – and that means opportunity to be in a relationship, which means opportunity to be burned, left alone, widowed, etc..  . but if i wasnt so scared, if i actually DID live in the moment – wouldnt i take the chances left and right, at the possibilities of any of those things – to be true to my heart because deep down, id have rather not been laying alone, scared, on my bday in silence? deep down, id much rather have someone to share life with. to live even one good day with, even if the pack of wild dogs did exist and eat me the next morning? id have had that good day, the day before.

but i dont. i dont take the chances.

i think throughout most of my adult life, i go for the guys i know i cant ever have.  because im safe that way. my longest relationship was with a married man from england, we dated for 4 years steady, and then for 3 more we “talked”. ha. ha. HAAAAAAAAAAAA. he was never leaving england. wow, wait – that sounds bad. ok, he was married when i met him. 3 months after us meeting.. they split, but he never , and she never , went through with a divorce. so legally, on paper, i could never marry him and get him here. which meant – oh hey, look at that – we are 4000 miles away arent we. and for the 3 years we werent together, i refused to date anyone else because i kept saying i was still talking to england guy. ha.. just one more way to keep myself alone, safe. ….. another long relationship i had was with a guy in the military – lol guess why he finally ditched me? because i wasnt willing to marry him and move all over the world from base to base with him, i refused to marry him until he left the military. my excuse was, thats not a good life to raise kids in —  but in all reality, i probably knew he wasnt leaving the military – which meant, i got to stay in the not getting married to you safety zone. right.  there – those 2 examples should be enough to give you the gist of what i mean by going for the guys i know i can never have. lol

i mean, ffs, i joke and call my truck my husband. ….how pathetic am i?

betcha youre dying to know whats going on regarding my heart now, lol. ha. right. betcha im not telling ;)

i will say this though. im having a re:birth-day. and next year, i dont think ill be laying in bed alone, scared, at the stroke of midnight on my b-day. i think its time to let go a little. enjoy a little. not protect so much. not panic so much. and maybe —– just maybe — let the other battler win the battle.

i can leap in business, i can leap onto a gnarly trail in my truck, i can leap into darkness, i can leap all over the fricking place, except love. ive made it through everything else – the net always appears. whats so hard about leaping with my “heart”.

huh.

well.. im off to celebrate my b-day. who knows, maybe ill start the leap this evening.


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